One wish.

that I have to make come true myself.

Contentment.
simply this.

Just a thought.

Nothing but thinking all day.


I wonder what it would be like to jump into a parallel universe to see all of the roads that we have not taken in our lives, if a certain event did not occur, if something didn`t go our way..

What if it did?

I really wish I could.

A promise is a promise, right?

Even though promises may be broken, and at most times they really are.
For some reason, I trust his.

Let`s think of the bright side right?

He`ll still be in California. It`s just 40 minutes away. Maybe.. longer. But he`s still nearby.
Just gives me more reason to drive right?
Maybe.. once in awhile I`ll drive him to church or prayer meeting.. I`d be willing to do that.

He still owes me two carousel rides.. and chocolate. :]

If it`s best for his family.. then I don`t know. That`s what it is.
But it`s the middle of no where! x_X..

He`s right to not be selfish or think of himself..
But when does he ever really? That boy is so weird..
Changing schools, making friends, a whole new world that`s only 40 minutes away is still just as hard as being halfway across the world.
Why start over?

I`m scared he might have to..
How will .. bleh.. never mind..

I don`t want him to go.
But I kept my thoughts to myself.


I just stayed up until he finally went to sleep.

No matter what, he said. He`ll be my best friend first.
And I made the same promise..

Heh, worrying. That crazy kid said I shouldn`t worry. What a hypocrite. :]
It`s a part of the contract. Ha.

So all we can do now is wait. And pray.
That`s all.

Last real day of vacation.

And I only slept in until 9. How gay is that.

I`ll write a story.

There is this boy that loved a girl.
And that lucky girl was me.

That never-ending bliss that everyone always hoped for, the kinda love where you would just sit in complete silence and still have the biggest smile on your face just being with the one you love.

They never thought that anyone or anything could tear them apart.
Except for themselves.

Nonstop arguements, words, tears, the whole lot of it all happened so fast.
I would cry everyday, like a little brat. Feeling like I lost not only my love, but my best friend.
But it was done.

I think about this boy everyday. Whether I want to, or ever try to.
I can go the whole day avoiding the very thought, but always. Right before I sleep.
There he is.


There is another boy. Who has a best friend.
And that lucky girl is me.

That boy would cheer me up, make me laugh, always with something so simple.
The kinda person that`s been there since day one, and never left.

It wasn`t until a little while ago when that boy had fallen for his best friend.
And I had done the same.

But we weren`t ready for anything like that.
More concerned about our friendship, our priorities, and all of these things that will always be in the way.

So he promised to wait.
And to always  be my best friend, first.

I went on a trip. Went soul searching, and all of that spiritual whatnot.
Found it, and came back.

And I know, that I know, that I know.
That if I didn`t have a cross to bear today,
I would tomorrow.

So do you remember this boy?
I never thought I`d ever see this boy again.
I never thought we`d ever speak like before again.
I never thought we`d hold hands, just for a minute, and remember how perfect they fit.

We reminisced for hours, and suddenly it never felt like our love ever faded.
But that`s what it was.
The relationship ended, the love never did.

I couldn`t believe what I was hearing, what was happening, what I was feeling.
And whenever he`d be gone, I`d beg to be with him again.
How wonderful it was to know.
That he had missed me too.
That he still loved me too.

That everything all girls wished for to happen, I now had.

But I couldn`t say yes..


I love this boy.
I told that boy.
That boy said, "What`s my promise?"
"That I will always be your best friend, first.
No matter what."

But what about this boy who I`ll see everyday all over again, who I may jump in and want to go back to all the wonderful times we had.
To feel butterflies and dream together.
And sit in complete silence.. being in complete bliss.

My God, I don`t know what to do.
I never expected You to throw him back into my life.
My God, I don`t want to hurt him. I want him to be happy.
I want to be with him..

But I just.. can`t.
Why can`t I.. I don`t understand.
I could`ve just said yes.
I couldn`t just say yes.


I spoke to that boy, who cheered me up, and made me laugh.
Always with something so simple.

I wonder what will happen next..

Damnit.

Ahh, just one of those moments right? Those kinda days that come flying at you and hitting you upside the head and you`re thinking, what the hell? Where did that come from? Things stop making sense again, and suddenly the things that never mattered before, that stopped mattering in the first place, ( I don`t even think mattering is a word) suddenly are the only thing on your mind.

Leadership is fun, I have to say. People there are really nice, and I`m sure it`ll keep me motivated. I`m a natural clutz at just about everything, so ehh. Haha. I had quite a hard time. But whatever.

Jasha came outta nowhere and tackled me, haha. Said hi to random people, yep. Anndd who do we see? Hahaa... ahh..

After Jasha left, it was just me and him. Talking in line whatever, catching up. It was funny that he had to move to a different line, haa. and just him making me laugh blah blah blah... what am I talking about.. he makes everyone laugh..

Well we went to get our stupid photo ID, he blurted out, "I made out with my sister!" and had everyone staring like WTF? And ahh.. how funny is this.. Jenn asked if we were going back out again.. hahahaha...

Well afterwards, we pretty much forgot we`re supposed to pick up our schedules. Anndd. Guess what? We have the very last period of the day together. Mmm. How funn. Then Jasha was there again, taking random pictures as usual. I gave him a necklace from Assisi er Lanciano, I`m not sure. But he wore it. Then everyone was just .. leaving. But I guess we were still talking.

Damn those memories... haha. He was just like, "Let`s reminisce!" Good memories.. Wonderful memories.. really. They were beautiful.. two years. He said.. "I really can`t remember.. what happened?" I don`t know.. just.. this and that.. things fell apart.. he said he overreacted, had no patience, lost his temper. Whatever. It doesn`t matter anymore... it`s the past. I really don`t care whose fault it was, or how it happened. At least we`re talking now.. just I don`t think anyone really would like that now would they..

Oh and get this. Surprise, surprise. I start crying.

He thought he made me cry, again, haha. But I really don`t know what got me crying. He was just.. saying all these things, and everything just came back. I completely forgot that an hour had passed, and I was supposed to be going home or something, and just stupid feelings and emotions and I missed him. I missed him so much. Every night I listen to some stupid song that says, "it`s crazy to pretend that I don`t think of you. The more this feeling just seems to grow and grow..I miss you." And the fact that I`ve got my best friend, that I love. Who loves me. Why am I going back to this? And I tell my best friend everything, I even told him this. Thank God he`s my best friend.. such a wonderful best friend.. But damnit. I don`t know. Just everything, and I couldn`t even explain it, and I always explain everything in detail and I was just speechless the whole time and just being with him again, and just wondering what he was thinking, what he was feeling, and I`m not even sure what was going through his head, but our hands just fit perfectly.

I remember that. Perfect.

It`s stupid. What am I thinking. I don`t know. Everything just slowed down, but still went so fast, and I wanna go back, but then you just can`t and I don`t know anything anymore. One moment the world made sense, the next I`m with him all over again. What was he thinking.. should I ask. I dare not.. Come school starts, we`re strangers again.

God I miss him.

I tried calling him yesterday, no use. I sent him a message, no reply.
Maybe it was just those kinda, one time things that happen that you never even think about afterwards.

I won`t assume anything. I just hate waiting.
Blehh.